The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fy8xupUdgV8

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.



Arlene: What in the hell is that?



Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.



Arlene: Where did you get it?



Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.



The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.



The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.



"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."





The pharmacist fainted.

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.





Dear Mr. Thatcher,



I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.



Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?



As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.



The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:

'Have a Happy Period.'



Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy'

about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.



For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',



Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.



Always. . .



Best,

Wendi Aarons

Austin , TX

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they are eating breakfast,The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

"That laundry is not very clean", she said.

"She doesn't know how to wash correctly.

Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."



Her husband looked on, but remained silent.



Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,

The young woman would make the same comments.



About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a

Nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:



"Look, she has learned how to wash correctly.

I wonder who taught her this."



The husband said, "I got up early this morning and

Cleaned our windows."

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?



2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?



3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?



4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?



5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?



6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?



7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?



8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?



9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"

when we are already there?



10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?



11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?



12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?



13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?



14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?



15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?



16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?



17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?



18. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?



19. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control

when you know the batteries are dead?



20. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?



21. How come abbreviated is such a long word?



22. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?







23. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?







24. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?



25. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?



26. Why is toilet paper tiny squares and tissues big squares ?

Only in America...... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front desk.





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Only in America..... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.





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Only in America..... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.





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Only in America..... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.





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Only in America...... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.





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Only in America..... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.





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EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens

our skin?





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Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?





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Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?





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Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?





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Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?





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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?





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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?





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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?





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Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?





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Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?





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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?





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You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!





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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?





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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?





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If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?





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If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

http://mj.979kissfm.com/pages/mainfeed.html?feed=204719&article=5808232

Ever wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our cell phone?







What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?







What if we flipped through it several time a day?







What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?







What if we used it to receive messages from the text?







What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?







What if we gave it to Kids as gifts?







What if we used it when we traveled?







What if we used it in case of emergency?







This is something to make you go...hmm...where is my Bible?







Oh, and one more thing. Unlike our cell phone, we don ' t have to worry about our Bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill.







Makes you stop and think, where are my priorities? And no dropped calls!

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,

SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.

SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,

SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.



PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,

YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.

I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,

BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.



SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE

AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.

BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,

HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'



YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,

AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.

BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'

I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER..



BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,

JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.

MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;

YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.